Asked by: Anonymous
Depression is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. I’ve struggled with it and continue to and through struggling with my depression I’ve come to learn that I suffer less from manic depressiveness and more from a form of BPD. I’ve a relentless desire to please other people and to be liked while simultaneously acting and behaving in a most unlikeable manner. That’s my thing.
If I pass someone on the street, a stranger, and I smile at them and they don’t smile back at me, on the right day and in the right context, it can crush me for days. Really. To a crippling extent wherein my melancholy blinds me to reality and I’m so focused on waves of desire to do self-harm that I truly must be watched. This happens less for attention and more so, and this is my guess here, because I didn’t get “my way”. Perhaps it’s only child syndrome in its most extreme manifestation? If only, I repeat, if ONLY praise and admiration and oodles of sexually explicit compliments regarding my scantily clad, far from perfect, womanly body consoled me in the least. I wish! I wish I felt better about anything as a result of gaining red hearts on photos I take of myself, cleavage or no cleavage. How easy life would be!
But darling, what is truly interesting here is not the psychology behind why I post photos of myself. After all, many people do it. What’s interesting here is why you care. Further, I find the way you express how much you care, how much it eats at you, how resentful of a person you must be, how insecure in your own decisions you must be, how intimidated of women who love themselves even in superficial ways you must be, and the fact that you needed to anonymously air these personality traits to a stranger, to be utterly fascinating! Your passive aggressive cattiness rivals that of the parents of my Christian school friends who, once they found out my parents were getting a divorce, encouraged their children to not hang around me. “How sad,” they’d say, “that poor girl from a broken home.”
It seems the context evolves throughout our years yet the attitudes of evil people stay the same. Why would you want to be a Regina George? Why be that undercover bully who masks their intentions with snarky rhetorical questions to which you already know the answers? A woman such as I is not basing her self worth on the attention she receives from occasionally showing body parts. A woman like me feels self worth for loving those body parts regardless of ugly people with ugly hearts and small little minds, like you darling!